Mother's Day CardsThe images above are my idea of ‘bad’ Mother’s Day cards. Sick humour is unlikely to make your mum feel loved and appreciated!

I try to avoid the mawkish cards. It’s too easy to dribble into the ridiculous with a gushy sentimental card – then you look insincere. There’s nothing wrong with a simple “Happy Mother’s Day”. But my personal favourite is “Clearly, you are the most perfect Mum ever! How else could I have turned out so wonderful? Happy Mother’s Day, Mum.”

Some of the best Mother’s Day cards are handmade, but you can easily personalise a nice card by writing your own message. Here are some amusing lines to use if you need some inspiration:

A mother is a person who seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people, promptly announces she never did care for pie.
– Tenneva Jorda

A suburban mother’s role is to deliver children obstetrically once, and by car forever after.
– Peter De Vries

Any mother could perform the jobs of several air-traffic controllers with ease.
– Lisa Alther

I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
– Phyllis Diller

Mothers are fonder than fathers of their children because they are more certain they are their own.
– Aristotle 

Mothers of teenagers know why animals eat their young.

It kills you to see them grow up. But I guess it would kill you quicker if they didn’t.
– Barbara KingsolverAnimal Dreams

On Mother’s Day, I have written a poem for you. In the interest of poetic economy and truth, I have succeeded in concentrating my deepest feelings and beliefs into two perfectly crafted lines: You’re my mother, I would have no other!
– Forest Houtenschil

Children are a great comfort in your old age – and they help you reach it faster, too.
– Lionel Kauffman

It is never easy being a mother. If it were easy, fathers would do it.

Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.
– Sam Levenson

Sing out loud in the car even, or especially, if it embarrasses your children.
– Marilyn Penland

Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
– Red Buttons

Setting a good example for your children takes all the fun out of middle age.
– William FeatherThe Business of Life, 1949

“If evolution really works, how come Mothers only have two hands?”
Milton Berle

“When I was a boy, my mother wore a mood ring. When she was in a good mood it turned blue. In a bad mood, it left a big red mark on my forehead.”
-Jeff Shaw

“Mother Nature, in her infinite wisdom, has instilled within each of us a powerful biological instinct to reproduce; this is her way of assuring that the human race, come what may, will never have any disposable income.”
-Dave Barry

If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says ‘keep away from children’
-Susan Savannah

Whether you choose a store-bought card* or a home-made, don’t forget 12th May!