“Cometh the hour, cometh the man”

Pete Aldin

We shake our heads about the stabbing of a 12 year old boy in a Queensland school. About another 18 year old driver wrapping a car around a pole. About boys videoing their abuse of some poor girl and making a DVD out of it for kicks.

These things make us sick to the stomach. We wonder what the hell we can do to stop the craziness that is taking over our young males. And the answer is, Plenty.

I am an advocate for healthy involvement of fathers in their kids’ lives. I have been since before I became a Dad, when I was working with young people in the 90s in Melbourne’s southeast. Back then, I saw the good that Dads could do … and the bad.

The bad always reduced to two words: abuse and neglect.

The good was a little harder to articulate but it was easy to see in its positive effects on young boys in particular. I now know many of those teenage boys as men and salute the fathers who did such an incredible job of raising them. And I feel ambivalent toward the ones who simply weren’t there for their sons the way they were called on to be.

Five things I want to suggest we Dads do in the lives of our boys (or in our absence, Granddads, Uncles or other mentor-figures):

1. Give a damn. Our input matters. I’ve seen a shirtload of research that says without warm, firm, accepting input from fathers, boys are statistically destined for depression or crime or higher levels of aggression in relationships or any combination of the three. We created these boys, it’s our responsibility to invest ourselves in them.

1. Don’t do parenting in isolation. Generally speaking, mums are more social about their parenting – they tend to have mentors who’ve been there done that, to do coffee and talk about parenting matters, etc. Blokes don’t. And I’m not suggesting that next time you go down the pub, you ask the other fellas “So, what brand of nappy do you find works best?” But we do need to share war-stories and combine wisdom on parenting issues with other men. The most common response I had in a Dad program I ran three times last year (after men heard other guys talk about their families) was “Geez, I’m normal! And so are my kids!” Join a Dads group or a short term parenting program … or just start talking about it with your friends.

3. Be morally centred. Have standards and values. And live by them.

4. Learn flexible approaches to building connection with your kids and staying connected. This is the fun side of parenting. Seriously. Fun.

5. Learn flexible approaches to communicating your standards and morals so the boy takes them to heart. Communication is both science and art. It beings with convincing the kids that you love them AND have high ideals you will hold them to.

This what I can do about it. This is what you can do about it.

“Cometh the hour, cometh the man”, someone once said. The hour for Dads to step up is always now.

Pete Aldin is founder of Great Circle Coaching & Developmentand a licensed facilitator of the Pitstop parenting program for men. For over a decade, he has provided consulting and training that assists people to sharpen their personal and professional relationships and communication.  Pete lives and work in Melbourne, along with his wife and two sons. For a light-hearted (and helpful) look at fatherhood, visit Peter’s blog www.freakedoutfathers.com and to learn more about hisDads n Sons Retreats visithttp://www.greatcircle.com.au/upcoming-events/dads-n-lads-retreats/